BLACKBERRY PORSCHE MAGNUM: Should I Purchase One Or Not?

QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK BEFORE BUYING THE NEW BLACKBERRY PORSCHE MAGNUM (erm...for 380,000 Naira oh):

(1). Does it download food?

(2). Does it fly?

(3). Does it transfer you via bluetooth to another country?

(4). Does the Battery get better per use?

(5). Does it come with unlimited BIS?

(6). Does it appreciate in value like gold?

(7). Does it have Obama's pin?

(8). Can it download money?

(9). Can it download Visa to the US? 

If it does not perform any of the above functions, please don't kill yourself... Rather go buy land for your village! :D